I yearn to be in a state where I am constantly challenged, at my own will. I don’t mind heated debates as long as they’re constructive and intellectually done. I just feel like a part of me is so suffocated here at Chula. I constantly feel like I’m pressured to not stand out, to fit in, to sit still, to be quiet, to worship my textbook, and to hold on to my grades as if they are the only thing in the world that matter. I want to do extra-curriculars, yet I constantly feel like I can’t give my 100% effort because I don’t want to risk sacrificing my grades. I’ve been changed from this girl who’s so giddy to raise her hand in class, so eager to participate, to do well, to this quiet shy girl who hides behind her textbook for fear that anything will distract her. I haven’t found myself and this girl I am being… she is not me.
You know why? Because asking questions, discussing ideas, challenging old hackneyed theories is not encouraged and not appreciated. Because getting poor grades means feeling like a failure, like an embarrassment. Being straight-forward, open-minded, and curious is considered rude. It is a vicious cycle… like feeling like what’s so bad about being myself while at the same time feeling like I’m slowly being bent into someone society expects me to me.This is the kind of life I’m living. I’ve lost the sparkle in my eyes, the confidence I once carried, and even sadly, my thirst to thrive and strive.
This is not my place. This is not who I want to be.
I wish I was in an environment where I would be intellectually stimulated. Sure the physics and math I learn are hard enough as is but they don’t excite me. The difficulty doesn’t challenge me to improve myself or be better. All I do is I try to get As in everything.
I want to ask questions. I want to debate. I want to write. I want to sing. I want to perform. I want to deliver. I want to imagine. I want to build. I want to create ideas. I want to plan. I want to collaborate. I want to explore. I want to be different.
I haven’t found that here. I want to break out.
Yet, being at Chula engineering does have its lessons. It made me realise how fulfilling it is to do something I’m good at. I realised and deeply appreciated the skills I already have that these other engineering students don’t. It made me realise how much I miss going back to an international environment but also it made me understand Thai people much better. Yet I still know that deep, deep within, I don’t belong.
