if there ever comes a day you tell me you don’t love me anymore. i wont know how to breathe anymore.
-- 5 Feb 2014

The Beauty and Pain of Not Quite Belonging

Note: this article was written in something like twenty minutes out of frustration when I was doing homework one night. It is not polished and I only posted it here because I wanted to show Tan Anathothai the rough draft. It will soon be deleted and republished. 

I yearn to be in a state where I am constantly challenged, at my own will. I don’t mind heated debates as long as they’re constructive and intellectually done. I just feel like a part of me is so suffocated here at Chula. I constantly feel like I’m pressured to not stand out, to fit in, to sit still, to be quiet, to worship my textbook, and to hold on to my grades as if they are the only thing in the world that matter. I want to do extra-curriculars, yet I constantly feel like I can’t give my 100% effort because I don’t want to risk sacrificing my grades. I’ve been changed from this girl who’s so giddy to raise her hand in class, so eager to participate, to do well, to this quiet shy girl who hides behind her textbook for fear that anything will distract her. I haven’t found myself and this girl I am being… she is not me. 

You know why? Because asking questions, discussing ideas, challenging old hackneyed theories is not encouraged and not appreciated. Because getting poor grades means feeling like a failure, like an embarrassment.  Being straight-forward, open-minded, and curious is considered rude. It is a vicious cycle… like feeling like what’s so bad about being myself while at the same time feeling like I’m slowly being bent into someone society expects me to me.This is the kind of life I’m living. I’ve lost the sparkle in my eyes, the confidence I once carried, and even sadly, my thirst to thrive and strive. 

This is not my place. This is not who I want to be.

I wish I was in an environment where I would be intellectually stimulated. Sure the physics and math I learn are hard enough as is but they don’t excite me. The difficulty doesn’t challenge me to improve myself or be better. All I do is I try to get As in everything.

I want to ask questions. I want to debate. I want to write. I want to sing. I want to perform. I want to deliver. I want to imagine. I want to build. I want to create ideas. I want to plan. I want to collaborate. I want to explore. I want to be different. 

I haven’t found that here. I want to break out. 

Yet, being at Chula engineering does have its lessons. It made me realise how fulfilling it is to do something I’m good at. I realised and deeply appreciated the skills I already have that these other engineering students don’t. It made me realise how much I miss going back to an international environment but also it made me understand Thai people much better. Yet I still know that deep, deep within, I don’t belong. 

Feeling Something, Anything

Sometimes its good to feel emotional. To feel overwhelmed by feelings. To be brought to tears, whether in joy or in pain is enough prove that we are still human. Still able to feel, to experience, to breathe, to live. Feeling something, anything, is better than not knowing what to feel. Better than not feeling anything at all.

Take it as a testimony from a girl who has spent a long time denying and depriving herself from emotion.

Its Been a Great Advent, 2014

Its the beginning of a new year, 2014. This year, unlike other years, I'm was not overcome by a sentimental moment or a willful desire to become a "new me". I'm just the same old me as I ever was and as I grow older, I learn that I like it that way.

Nonetheless 2014 has been treating me really, really well so far.

Here's a few great moments.

Spending quality time with my 13'-ers, most of whom are back from America.

Playing with my baby cousin. Too adorbs.

And of course, this amazing guy

Some pretty flowers at cousin's wedding

Hope the rest of the year is just as great. Cheers!

With or Without You

This song means so much. With or without you.

My first song cover: A Team

Hey everyone, 

Here's my first song cover I uploaded on Youtube. The song is one of my favorites: A Team originally sung by Ed Sheeran. Now I have no idea what the lyrics of this song actually means -- haha -- I just love the acoustics, the feel, the tone, and the roughness of Ed's voice. This song is one of those songs I'll listen to when I'm blue and the song itself will perfectly describe how I'm feeling.

 Don't you just love that, when a song perfectly captures the essence of the present. 

Excuse my tempo, mispronounciations, and off-key notes. I know the cover is so imperfect but singing it perfectly was not my goal. I just wanted to capture the essence of my feeling and that song at that exact moment. So here I am sharing it with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0swkZw18rA

I've Been Loving: Life Happens by Brandon and Leah

Life Happens by Brandon and Leah

This song is so underrated. The song is just so good and the music video SO deserves much more views. Its just a gorgeous song, gorgeous music video; beautifully written,sung, and shot.
So please go check out this song. I promise you'll love it.

The song is about how life is all the good and bad, the ups and down. Life happens. Its a simple statement yet so universally true. Life happens. 

Life happens
While you're making other plans
Life happens
While you're trying to understand
You'll be kicking it in the shade
And you're thinking you got it made
Life is gonna happen to you anyway

It's All In the State of Mind

A classmate read this poem in class and I loved it. So here goes...

If you think you are beaten, you are
If you think you dare not, you don't
If you like to win but think you can't
its almost a cinch you won't
If you think you'll lose, you're lost
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow's will
Its all in the state of mind
If you think you are outclassed, you are
You've got to think high to rise
You've got to be sure of yourself
Before you can ever win the prize
Life's battles don't always go
to the stronger or faster man
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.

I've Been Loving (Watching): Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: in order from left to right - Kim, Lisa, Adrienne, Kyle, Taylor, and Camille. 

Now I know what you're thinking -- any show that begins with "Real Housewives of ..." probably isn't a show about "real" or genuine women or their struggles as a housewife -- well I'll have to admit these women are probably just as superficial, materialistic, and attention-seeking as the media portrays them. Yet, despite their heavy make up, botox-ed face, surgically enhanced features, these women are real women with their own struggles. I learn of their divorces and alcohol addiction and it intrigues me to better understand each of the housewives' characters.

I find myself laughing at moments when the housewives get so foolish and carried away with all the glitz-and-glam.  I love how the producers realizes this and takes full advantage by accentuating the absurdity of these women's actions. (When Camille dances wildly, much like a stripper or when Taylor tries, but fails, at being seductive while eating cotton candy.) Their absurdity gives me a good laugh and sometimes that's all I'm looking for in these shows.

 That's a general overview of how I see the show. Perhaps I'll do a blog post talking about how I perceive each one of them.

One thing I dislike about the show is that sometimes the story line moves too slowly. I have to wait a few episodes for an issue to erupt. As a viewer, faster emotional eruptions equals more drama and of course who doesn't love drama (when its not happening to oneself).

Right now I'm still on Season 1 and so far Kyle Richards is my favorite one. We'll see what happens.

Final Verdict (for now) I'll give it 3.5 stars. Still can't compare to the Kardashian reality shows though in my opinion.

My Life... in a List

Need this quote so much.

This list sums up everything that has been happening in my life lately
1. Too much school work!
2. Worried about AP Physics
3. Worried about AP Calculus. It is getting exponentially more difficult
4. Student Council. President's got a lot of burden -- I just realized
5. People. Afraid they hate me -- because I can't move the lock-in date aka I cant give them what they want
6. College. Haven't even started any college applications
7. SAT subject test. very behind on studying
8. Dropping creative writing since it is too much work
9. Confronting the dean of students over lock-in issues
10. Going to a wedding tomorrow. Wish my cousin the best of luck.
11. Mother's Day today... made my mom a card and she was so happy :D made my day
11. OMG. my cover of Ed Sheeran's A Team just uploaded on youtube.

Now Playing: A Team (Ed Sheeran)

Fell in love with this song. Did a cover on an impulse. Will upload later. Listen to this for now...

Enjoy,

Benya

Its Monday Questionnaire Time

1.) Mood: Sleepy because I'm not used to waking up so early for school :(
2.) Can you say the ABC's backward without stumbling? Nope
3.)What is the closest green object to you? the plant on my balcony
4.) Current nail polish: none; made a pact with myself not to wear polish for a month!
5.) What is your favorite song at the moment? Some Nights by Fun
6.) Current outfit: cute Pooh, Tiger, Eeyore pajamas
7.) Weekly goals: get ahead in school, work on student council stuff.

I couldn't be more exited for senior year of high school. This year I am determined to work real hard as well as enjoy as many activities/events as I can before I graduate. Will update more plans later. Hope you're having a wonderful week!

Love,
B

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Copy and paste to answer in a comment below!
1.) Mood:
2.) Can you say the ABC's backwards without stumbling?
3.) What is the closest green object to you?
4.) Current nail polish:
5.) What is your favorite song at the moment?
6.) Current outfit:
7.) Weekly goals:

Shows I've Been Loving Lately: Modern Family

Modern Family has been turning into the "new" FRIENDs for me. Its funny, witty, sarcastic, and worthy-of-praise in every single way. As you can probably tell, I can't say enough good things about this show. 

Modern Family is a sitcom about three "modern" families and by "modern" I mean "rather untraditional." You see there's the story of two gay couples with their newly adopted Asian baby, a sixty-something wealthy dude married to a strong-accented but hot thirty something, and the last family with a goofball father, high maintainance mother and three kids each as different as night and day. Yet with all these characters and family, the show somehow manages to seamlessly interwove the three storylines creating one awesome show. One thing you should know though, Modern Family humor is rather subtle so if you are not one to decipher character's unintentional humor lines then this may not be the show for you.

Nonetheless, I frikking love this show. Below are some pictures (just so you recognize it while you're surfing the channels) and some screencaps (just to prove to you how funny it is).

Packing for Taiwan!

My room's a mess right now

Playing around with an app called photo studio

Result:
MAJOR CAMWHORING

lol

Friday Favorites

Here are some of my favorite pics this week

Favorite Laugh
(very useful for tests, right?)

Favorite romantic picture

Favorite cute pic:

Favorite room:

Favorite workout motivation!:

Cutest quote:

Feeling Down Because of SAT?

I've got something that can help.

... you're welcome...

SAT Blues

I'm back with a rather depressing update. Yup as the title mentioned, my SAT scores finally came out (after hours of me raping the refresh button). As soon as collegeboard.com website posted June 2 scores I let out a scream. Yeah, I was that nervous. BTW, the collegeboard website has crashed today. Haha serves them right. Sorry for being so mean I guess I just have SAT blues.

Anyways, I got 650 on SAT 2 Bio Molecular and 680 for Math 2. Now I must say that although these scores are not absolutely horrendous, they are just ... mediocre. Being the overachiever that I am a "mediocre" is synonymous with . Well actually the 680 for math level 2 is not bad but biology oh biology! I am in AP Biology so it hurts me like hell that my score is only 20 points "above average". My friend in the same class got 780. 

I still have to take two more subject tests: Chemistry and Physics. I must say no more 600s for me! I want a 700+ score next time although I know that I must work extremely hard. I'm sick of these 600s! 

Okay guys sorry for the ranting so much. I just feel so blue at my incompetency. Sometimes it just kills me how some people can be so much smarter without even trying. Then I remember that life isn't fair. Sigh.

These tests are definitely kicky my ass. 

I'm going to go chill out, watch some PLLs, and try to get over this SAT blue. :(

Promise to make next post a more cheerful one. 

A Day (Not) Completely Wasted

So today I woke up at 11 AM (slept at 2 AM the day before), showered, ate breakfast, got on a bus then a BTS (Bangkok's skytrain) and headed off to go learn physics at this school. It took me about 1 hour to get there and cost me 60 baht. When I reached the school, I found out that the school was closed.

Ofcourse I was very frustrated with myself for not making sure that the school was open. How stupid. So I wasted 60 baht and 2 hours traveling. What did I do then? Walked around Siam Paragon trying to kill time and mooned over my stupidity.

But not all is lost. I found him --

my future husband. Hahaha jokes, jokes. Anyways, in case you didn't know, above is Steven Gerard, or a wax figure of him anyways. I happened to stop by at Maddame Tussaud's display and got a picture with Steven here. Now I must add that I am not the biggest fan of soccer but Steven Gerard is definitely my favorite player, also captain, of my favorite team Liverpool. He may not score the most goals but he definitely is a true team player and a devoted captain. Liverpool can always depend on him. 

Twas an honor meeting him -- or a replication of him anyways. 

Nail of the Day: Skinfood's Rosegold

Hey guys,

How are you all doing? Anyways here's a NOTD (Nail of the Day) post, a new blog post series I plan on doing. 

The color on my nails is SkinFood's Pedicure Sparkle but I'm not sure what the name of this exact shade is though -- but I love it nonetheless. Its a sparkly rose gold polish that is elegant but also fun! What I love about it is that you can actually see the glitter chunks unlike many other dull looking metallic polishes. It applies smoothly and is opaque in just one quote. In fact, the glitter chunks show up much better in a coat. 

The polish color in real life is actually a bit more rose gold than in this picture but you can see the actually glitter here! Love it.