if there ever comes a day you tell me you don’t love me anymore. i wont know how to breathe anymore.
-- 5 Feb 2014

The Beauty and Pain of Not Quite Belonging

Note: this article was written in something like twenty minutes out of frustration when I was doing homework one night. It is not polished and I only posted it here because I wanted to show Tan Anathothai the rough draft. It will soon be deleted and republished. 

I yearn to be in a state where I am constantly challenged, at my own will. I don’t mind heated debates as long as they’re constructive and intellectually done. I just feel like a part of me is so suffocated here at Chula. I constantly feel like I’m pressured to not stand out, to fit in, to sit still, to be quiet, to worship my textbook, and to hold on to my grades as if they are the only thing in the world that matter. I want to do extra-curriculars, yet I constantly feel like I can’t give my 100% effort because I don’t want to risk sacrificing my grades. I’ve been changed from this girl who’s so giddy to raise her hand in class, so eager to participate, to do well, to this quiet shy girl who hides behind her textbook for fear that anything will distract her. I haven’t found myself and this girl I am being… she is not me. 

You know why? Because asking questions, discussing ideas, challenging old hackneyed theories is not encouraged and not appreciated. Because getting poor grades means feeling like a failure, like an embarrassment.  Being straight-forward, open-minded, and curious is considered rude. It is a vicious cycle… like feeling like what’s so bad about being myself while at the same time feeling like I’m slowly being bent into someone society expects me to me.This is the kind of life I’m living. I’ve lost the sparkle in my eyes, the confidence I once carried, and even sadly, my thirst to thrive and strive. 

This is not my place. This is not who I want to be.

I wish I was in an environment where I would be intellectually stimulated. Sure the physics and math I learn are hard enough as is but they don’t excite me. The difficulty doesn’t challenge me to improve myself or be better. All I do is I try to get As in everything.

I want to ask questions. I want to debate. I want to write. I want to sing. I want to perform. I want to deliver. I want to imagine. I want to build. I want to create ideas. I want to plan. I want to collaborate. I want to explore. I want to be different. 

I haven’t found that here. I want to break out. 

Yet, being at Chula engineering does have its lessons. It made me realise how fulfilling it is to do something I’m good at. I realised and deeply appreciated the skills I already have that these other engineering students don’t. It made me realise how much I miss going back to an international environment but also it made me understand Thai people much better. Yet I still know that deep, deep within, I don’t belong. 

Feeling Something, Anything

Sometimes its good to feel emotional. To feel overwhelmed by feelings. To be brought to tears, whether in joy or in pain is enough prove that we are still human. Still able to feel, to experience, to breathe, to live. Feeling something, anything, is better than not knowing what to feel. Better than not feeling anything at all.

Take it as a testimony from a girl who has spent a long time denying and depriving herself from emotion.

Its Been a Great Advent, 2014

Its the beginning of a new year, 2014. This year, unlike other years, I'm was not overcome by a sentimental moment or a willful desire to become a "new me". I'm just the same old me as I ever was and as I grow older, I learn that I like it that way.

Nonetheless 2014 has been treating me really, really well so far.

Here's a few great moments.

Spending quality time with my 13'-ers, most of whom are back from America.

Playing with my baby cousin. Too adorbs.

And of course, this amazing guy

Some pretty flowers at cousin's wedding

Hope the rest of the year is just as great. Cheers!

With or Without You

This song means so much. With or without you.

My first song cover: A Team

Hey everyone, 

Here's my first song cover I uploaded on Youtube. The song is one of my favorites: A Team originally sung by Ed Sheeran. Now I have no idea what the lyrics of this song actually means -- haha -- I just love the acoustics, the feel, the tone, and the roughness of Ed's voice. This song is one of those songs I'll listen to when I'm blue and the song itself will perfectly describe how I'm feeling.

 Don't you just love that, when a song perfectly captures the essence of the present. 

Excuse my tempo, mispronounciations, and off-key notes. I know the cover is so imperfect but singing it perfectly was not my goal. I just wanted to capture the essence of my feeling and that song at that exact moment. So here I am sharing it with you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0swkZw18rA

I've Been Loving: Life Happens by Brandon and Leah

Life Happens by Brandon and Leah

This song is so underrated. The song is just so good and the music video SO deserves much more views. Its just a gorgeous song, gorgeous music video; beautifully written,sung, and shot.
So please go check out this song. I promise you'll love it.

The song is about how life is all the good and bad, the ups and down. Life happens. Its a simple statement yet so universally true. Life happens. 

Life happens
While you're making other plans
Life happens
While you're trying to understand
You'll be kicking it in the shade
And you're thinking you got it made
Life is gonna happen to you anyway